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I'm still sick. I don't have time between sleep, work, depression and, packing to deal with it properly.actually, I've lost the will to give a fuck about getting better. I'm a broken person. Everything hurts just enough to not want to be awake. It doesn't take much to make me cry. I'm angry that I can't seem to be worth sticking out being uncomfortable while I fix myself . I'm raw it seems everything is like salt in open wounds, EVERYTHING.I'm impossibly sad nothing makes me happy. I'm moody and impossible I just want to be done.My heads a train wreck. I give no fucks about any sort of quality of life at all. I just want to lay and sleep however long it will take to not feel any of this. I mean cyborg, dead to the world. I'm tired of dealing with this. I feel inadequate. I'm a lesser being just trying to exist. I have to fight so hard to do exactly that, exist, my mental health is in shambles, I look old and full of worry I'm afraid my face will always look like this. I look like a tired ass old swamp hag.

Well now..

10 more days of work 20 more days of California. I'm scared, down right terrified. I'm a mess, moody, angry, sad. I'll be a bigger mess the sixth when I board a plane taking me to a different life. I know my problems will follow me. I know that I can't run from the disfuntion that is my normal day to day self. I just have a small hope that maybe I'll get it finally and quit being a fuck up. I really need to go see ocean before ocean is no longer a possibility.
So my entire life is in boxes and duffel bags. I live out of duffle bags. It looks like paying to move out of state is going to be impossible. Every damn thing I've looked at is over 1000 bucks. It's coming down to "do you really need all your things?" And what's the big deal it's just stuff, you can get new stuff." It boils down to I never get to have anything of my own. I always have to leave with nothing and start over from ground zero. I'm already giving up so very much. My car can't come my cats have to remain, my bed. Now it's my records and books and clothes, sewing machine and that shit too. It's too much. I'm already depressed. I slept for three days straight until I had to move to go to work. I feel very fucked. I'm trapped. I can't stay and I can't leave. Just absolutely fucked.

Sep. 3rd, 2016

My entire life is in boxes. All that's left is to devide up the DVDs and take a few more pictures off the walls. I'm still very emotional. Shit keeps piling up as well. 27 days until I leave for good. That's weird to think.

Sep. 2nd, 2016

After all that has fucking happened lately I've been fucked not so gently with what feels like a chainsaw. My emotions are raw and today was salt in the open wounds. I lost A cat his name was cash he was Brandon's cat but I loved him as my own. My heart hurts. Plus pike on top of that B was very inconsiderate. He wished me Happy Anniversary. Which I couldn't yell or speak all I could do was cry. I don't think he meant it to be hurtful. But on the other hand , I have to move states away because it wasn't working, it's not you it's me, but happy anniversary. Who in the guck says shit like that yo an obviously depressed person that is emotionally unstable?!? It fucked my entire day.
Today would have been my 4 year anniversary. I remember how happy I was and how happy he was to have me.Now my life is in boxes and I'm leaving California to be with family without him. I'm a mess. I miss everything. I need to sleep . I have to be at work for a meeting later. I can't seem to shove this back down. Just when I think I might be ok , I'm not.


Well I'm moving to Colorado in a month. I'm terrified, excited, worried, anxiety ridden and still mourning for the loss of a relationship. I wanted the ultimate distraction and boy howdy, did I get it. I know I have angered a lot of people and have seemed very insensitive and uncaring about thier loss recently. I'm not going to put myself on a back burner any longer. My pain matters, my healing takes presidence over anything else. I'm being epically selfish because right now I can't shoulder any more grief. I have lost friends over it but, I need to take care of myself. They are not going to do any of this for me.
I'm burnt up at both ends. Just when I think I may be somewhat ok, you know when the constant sobbing subsides momentarily, than another super shitty thing happens. And than I have to start over. I'm tired of starting over. I know the Phoenix burns many times in its life span, why can't mine be a slow burn? Why is it I'm forced to burn before I become something more than this? My growth is too small to catch up to the three to five year burn pattern. I'm holding the dinamite everyonelse is holding a lighter. They get to step away established I get to burn and start over. It makes me feel fucking crazy. I know I deserve love, safety, sanity, security, and self worth. It seems these things are the hardest to attain and keep. I just want it to stop. I'm holding up my hand I want to get off his ride please. I'm not suicdeal I just am done with all the shitty things happening at once. If something shitty could maybe happen once a month that would be awesome instead of days or weeks in between. I'm having a super hard time staying motivated or positive that I have better things in life coming. I flat out stopped believing that lie tonight. I'm headed out of state but can I keep it together long enough to make that a move worth doing? Problem is I won't know until I'm there.

Avoiding a meltdown

I slept for thirteen hours to avoid my feelings. The closer to my trip to Colorado I get the more I don't want to go.
Thoughts hit me like a ton of bricks. Why is it that people love the idea of me but than the reality of me is too much? This is weighing on my heart and head today. I always find myself here. Putting someone back in the just friends compartment isn't easy. I wish I could hate him even for a split second. This would be easier.